Posted on October 29, 2008 by Dan Chambers
When I was living in Wellingborough in 1996 writing a radio script (which never saw the light of day but which put wheels in motion and to which I probably owe my career) my friend Nick and I would traipse out at lunchtime to the Swansgate centre, past the crazy dancing lady, to Tesco, to get our lunch. We’d come back, eat it, watch Neighbours, and then Call My Bluff, then carry on working until 6. We were fairly sure that the people of the town thought we were a gay couple and to annoy Nick I used to say things loudly in public to embarrass him. Now you can enjoy the benefit of these hissed gems.
1. No I will not be quiet!
2. I hope you’re not going to be like this tonight!
3. Why are you punishing me? Because I’m not HIM?
Filed under: Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
Posted on October 14, 2008 by Dan Chambers
A friend passed me on a chain letter by email today. It promised good luck if a further five (could have been ten) people were subjected to its inanity within an hour. It also threatened bad luck if no effort was made to propagate it, giving an interesting twist on the usual pyramid-scheme of stupid, unverifiable superstitious credulity.
I had scrolled no more than halfway through this when a pig burst into my room and went crazy, running about, snorting, trampling over piles of research papers, slamming his hairy flanks against the escritoire, upsetting my specimen jars and generally causing a thundering nuisance. When he shunted against an ornamental plinth and brought the Dean Gaffney equestrian statue crashing down I decided enough was enough, and shouldered my blunderbuss.
The pig must have sensed the danger as he scrambled for cover behind the Chesterfield. In a single fluid motion I leapt over it and levelled the doom-trumpet at… empty space. The pig had gone to ground. All was silent except for the sounds of beagles stirring in their cages and some early Wall Street results filtering through on the tickertape machine. Hearing a muffled grunt from behind me I wheeled round and loosed off a round of grapeshot, making matchwood of a pygmy diorama.
As the smoke finally cleared, something else reached my nostrils amid the acrid stench of cordite – a faint whiff of… the farmyard! I was on the trail! Breath bated, senses heightened, I followed the pig stink through the silent library, past the Linnaean Society periodicals, past the Finnish Almanacs, the priceless erotic lithographs, the ex-Eastenders workout DVDs…
All of a sudden there was a guttural shriek and I looked up to see the pig perched with unholy poise on the rim of a marble globe. With terrifying speed it hurled itself at me, eyes ablaze, and its trotters closed around my neck. Spots danced in front of my eyes as the swine’s grip tightened. I staggered, gasped, but managed to marshall enough strength to bring my Cuban heel down hard on the beast’s trotter. This brought the pink devil to its knees and allowed me enough time to scramble to my feet and make for the gun cabinet. I was only halfway there when I heard an express-train snort and the thunder of piggy hooves behind me. The beast was closing – twenty, ten, then five yards. I would not make it…
I felt the hot breath on my back, the murderous snout drew nearer, the mouth opened, revealing sharp yellow tusks, and in the instant before it snapped closed, I leapt. More by luck than design, I grabbed onto a sixteenth century Augsburg chandelier and swung up, up in an arc. The snorting demon reared up and tried to change course, but the highly polished floor offered no purchase and, trotters skittering this way and that, the pig hurtled straight down a flight of stairs and out the window.
Panting heavily, I took two pistols from my cabinet and headed for the street, intending to finish off the brute. But when I got there it was quite dead, steam rising off its sides in the chill November air. As my eyes travelled over the prone porker I noticed with horror a little hand protruding from underneath its bulk. I gathered my remaining strength, heaved with all my might and rolled the carcass to one side, revealing that it had landed on, and squashed completely flat, a little blond bespectacled boy wearing a cowboy suit. How terrible. But what was this by his side? A satchel full of Milky Bars!
I couldn’t believe my luck!
Filed under: Uncategorized | 3 Comments »
Posted on October 9, 2008 by Dan Chambers
1. I’m going to see the Jonathan Ross show recorded tonight – Roger Moore’s being interviewed on it, and his PA Gareth Owen invited me along. Oo namedropper! I think he’s publicising the release of his autobiography.
2. When non-coffee drinkers make you a cup of coffee, they always fill the cup only halfway. The correct response to this is “tide gone out?”
3. If women are so good at multi-tasking, why are there so few female jugglers?
Maybe I would have found more if Moderate Safesearch was turned off.
UPDATE: I have since found out that I get a mention in Roger’s autobiography – on page 298! I’m chuffed to bits.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »
Posted on October 1, 2008 by Dan Chambers
I had some kind of half-baked notion of making a home fileserver out of this old iMac G3 which was creaking under the weight of running OS X, so after a whizz through various distros (Ubuntu, Fedora 9, Yellow Dog, Slackintosh) I settled on Xubuntu as something which would run smoothly on 333Mhz and which I could install without too much hassle.
This pic was taken just before the system hung, for what seemed like ages, just as it had when I booted from the Ubuntu live CD. This time, however, I read around on the forums and realised it had exited to the shell, waiting to be told where to find the boot information. Typing MODPROBE IDE_CORE and then EXITing from the shell let it boot from the hard disk and it was up and running within minutes – even recognising a USB Belkin wireless key without any drivers having to be installed! I danced with glee and sounded the great war hoot of my people. Whoop! Whoop! Neeehowww!
I was elated, but, like Dustin Hoffman in the final scene in the Graduate, I sat there, the smile fading from my bionic lips, the adrenaline now replaced by a burgeoning sense of responsibility and the prospect of the mundane. Was I ready for this? What was my plan? I’m no system administrator. What does a fileserver even do? How do people access it? What hardware do I need? Is it worth it?
Is it worth it?
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: darkness, dustin, fileserver, g3, graduate, hoffman, linux, mac, modprobe, xubuntu | Leave a Comment »
Posted on October 1, 2008 by Dan Chambers
From this postcard on my flatmate’s door I can see that there’s a theme developing. Despite not scanning properly, this gag actually feels better, and makes the other one make more sense. But it still bugs me – it’s still just two “universes of discourse”, or “frames of reference”, brought together arbitrarily; some quotes from Shakespeare with the names of booze substituted. It’s not as if the series of postcards has an overall punning title which brings the two disparate elements (Shakespeare and alcohol) together – the “Ahhh” moment where you realise the point of the thing, or at least you get the groan and closure of recognising a weak pun propping up a lengthy intro (a shaggy dog story). Like “Get out of my pub – you’re Bard!”
Filed under: oddities | Tagged: bard, booze, daiquiri, postcard, pun, shakespeare | Leave a Comment »