For god’s sake shut up

I don’t know if you’ve spent any time trawling through estate agency websites, but if you’re anything like me (crotchety, pedantic, prone to tutting) you get fed up with the awful mangling of language that goes on. It seems like every flat is a “property” or “instruction” and “benefits from” wood flooring and is “moments from transportation links”.
I took matters into my own hands, and with the help of a Firefox add-on called FoxReplace, 4 hours on a Sunday evening, and a rudimentary knowledge of regular expressions, managed to turn this:

into this:

Just the facts,  please!

Here’s a sample of one of the regular expressions, designed to weed out pointless adverbs. I even managed to build in a filter for common spelling errors (the question mark in regular expressions means that the preceding character can appear or not and the operation will still be carried out, so both “truly” and “truely” will be caught):

<input type=”regexp”>”(increasingly|beautifull?y|enviably|generously|very|extremely|conveniently|wonderfull?y|true?ly)”</input>

There are still a few things to iron out, and I can’t keep up with their spelling mistakes so will have to concede defeat there. But it crunches down the text by as much as a third and makes a grim task a bit more palatable.

It’s the Goodyear Blimp!

It actually is the Goodyear blimp. And it’s headed for the Beckers in Hackney.

Shit phew, just missed.

Sorry about your wheels, mate!

In this episode of The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers, they get lost in the forest and find a lovely little house with three steaming bowls of porridge on the table…

Trivia: Daddy Bear (who I voiced) was inspired by deceased cockney comedian Mike Reid and had a much lower, thicker accent. He originally said “We just needed an ‘oliday” but this was considered confusing for a non-UK audience. He also originally said “Ow, me bonce!” when he hit his head on the bus roof, but this was changed because the studio in Canada thought he was saying “Ow, me balls!”

Where is my Wacom pen?

I can’t find it anywhere… since moving into our flat, for reasons I won’t disgust bore you with, my girlfriend and I have had to completely pack and unpack three times. I’m just realising stuff that’s been lost in the upheaval…

Guess I’ll have to draw with a mouse from now on.

Cranky like Sizzles

I love computers. I’ve had one since I was 7 – my parents bought a ZX81, with no sound, no colour, and a 16k RAM pack that crashed the computer if you wobbled it slightly, killing that program you’d spent hours typing in. I fondly remember the smell of cooking circuits and the gentle hum of the power pack. And the dreadful sinking feeling when I dropped the power pack and the computer wouldn’t power-up. And the giddy feeling when my next-door neighbour, who was also a radio ham, helped me build a new power-pack from a circuit diagram.

So I’ve bought a new computer with a hefty motherboard and a fast new (loud) graphics card and it’s all shiny and I’m digging using Windows 7 because I’ve never had a computer that had enough welly to actually run the current version of Windows. But the closer something becomes to being user-friendly, the more small things stick out.

For example, Flash CS5 treats its panels as separate windows, and there are problems switching between them. I’m very used to using the Flash shortcuts (V for the arrow tool, B for brush, Z for zoom, L for lassoo and so on) but here they stop working unless you click on the main stage window first, meaning that if you’ve got the zoom tool selected but want to change to the brush tool, you press B and click on the main stage and it zooms away from where you want to be. It’s only a minor thing but over thousands and thousands of clicks and taps it becomes really frustrating!

Other annoyances include text selection in some programs. I used to know how it worked – you select a bunch of text, but then decide you want to simply move the cursor to the beginning of the text. So you press the left cursor key, but instead it moves you back one space from the end of the selection – I can’t see any context in which this would be useful, but it’s now entirely ubiquitous, and it really burns me up.

Maybe I’m getting old and cranky, like Sizzles, but the areas you have to click on to perform certain tasks seems to be really small. From scrolling all the way up to the top right of the screen to click on a square the size of a small bluebottle, to selecting the two-pixel width edge of a window to resize it, to moving the mouse cursor in small increments and notice when it changes to the double-headed arrow so you can drag the divider between panes, it’s all getting to be a bit of a pain in the arse.

I try to get away from the computer as much as I can – I’ve set up a sit/stand desk in an alcove which is basically deep shelves and a tall stool. I stood up at the desk for a few months but in the end my back felt like it was going to give out so I bought a cheap stool from Argos, which is doing a pretty good job, except it’s too tall to put my feet on anything except the curved strut about a foot off the ground, which is slightly too high for comfort – when I rest my bare feet on it they go numb after a few minutes. When I have my Wacom tablet out for animation there isn’t enough room to pull the keyboard close enough, so after an hour of animating, holding my left hand in the classic “Flash animator’s claw” I get a seized-up shoulder and neck. I obviously have terrible ergonomic shortcomings but can’t figure out what else to do about it!

Polite graffiti notice

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Usually when I see a sheet of paper tacked to a wall I expect to see the heading “Polite Notice” and for the note to actually be a fully-justified (in the printing sense) passive-aggressive diktat. But this note, on the wall near my girlfriend’s house in London, is the very opposite – cheerful, admiring, heartwarming. I miss the horse too. It was life-sized and gentle, with an expression that told of some horsey inner wisdom. Another one appeared very briefly, up the road a-ways… this one had gold wings. I think it’s gone now.

I just realised I used the word “diktat” in that paragraph purely because I saw it on the back cover of my copy of “Porpoises Rescue Dick Van Dyke”, which arrived fresh from Lulu’s printers today.

I highly recommend it! You can buy it here.

Furthermore, having seen the video of lovely old Dick Van Dyke telling the story of his rescue to Craig Ferguson, I now can’t help but picture Jon and George from numbers 41 + 13 as porpoises!

A trip to the Co-op


I just walked up to the village Co-op to get some beer and a packet of crisps. Not the healthiest diet for a man of my age, but I figured I’ve done a good day’s work and intend to be working for a while longer and I deserve a goddamn beer (Co-op own-brand Czech lager) and some goddamn crisps (Smiths squares, grab bag, but still only about 40g). I have a thing about queues in shops – especially Holland and Barrett – long queues seem to form right after I’ve entered a shop and I suddenly find several people materialise there before me in a previously empty place. There’s obviously a far-reaching covert organisation ordering its minions to mildly inconvenience me.

I brought my own bag to hold the stuff but have always found it difficult to judge the orchestration of the transaction and bagging operation. I usually end up trying to do them simultaneously and find myself unsuccessfully juggling shopping and wallet, worse if combinations of notes and coins is involved, and even worse if the weather is cold and I’m wearing gloves, coat and hat. I’d given the man a tenner and fished in my pocket for a twenty p to make the change easier for him to handle, but I was holding a glove and the bottles were difficult to manoeuvre into the bag and clashed together, threatening to topple over. The man at the till, perhaps wisely, didn’t help me – I think the combination of own-bag, lager and crisps sparked off some nexus of shopkeeperly prudence, some muscle-memory pounded into him over and over again by his steely but wise mentor.

On the way back I passed the bus stop, where I saw a woman who looked like the sloughed-off husk of a pupating Brian Dennehy.

“Raiders” is The Worst Film I Have EVER Seen

raiders
If you’re quick, you can buy Raiders of the Lost Code, the worst film I have ever seen on VHS from Amazon at only £25.99 (+£2.80 delivery) or £29.99 (+£2.80 delivery)!
Someone’s uploaded some of it to Youtube (for some reason it was also called The Bimini Code, I have no idea why because I never got to the end of the film). Tragically, Vickie Benson actually shattered two actors’ neck vertebrae in this clip, leading to a union walkout. The rest of the film was performed by marionettes.

Rio? Milan? Ibiza?

Somebody must have given themselves the afternoon off after noticing that the terminal syllable in “Sussex” has an alternative meaning.
The “sexy” events include:
Armed Forces Day
The Avengers, 50th Anniversary Celebration
Goodwood

I’ve got to go have a cold shower.

Nothing

If you are watching a TV sitcom and any character says a list of synonyms for “nothing”, to wit:

“Nothing… Zip, nada, zilch, zero, bupkis.”

You are watching a bad sitcom. Turn off the TV.

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