For god’s sake shut up

I don’t know if you’ve spent any time trawling through estate agency websites, but if you’re anything like me (crotchety, pedantic, prone to tutting) you get fed up with the awful mangling of language that goes on. It seems like every flat is a “property” or “instruction” and “benefits from” wood flooring and is “moments from transportation links”.
I took matters into my own hands, and with the help of a Firefox add-on called FoxReplace, 4 hours on a Sunday evening, and a rudimentary knowledge of regular expressions, managed to turn this:

into this:

Just the facts,  please!

Here’s a sample of one of the regular expressions, designed to weed out pointless adverbs. I even managed to build in a filter for common spelling errors (the question mark in regular expressions means that the preceding character can appear or not and the operation will still be carried out, so both “truly” and “truely” will be caught):

<input type=”regexp”>”(increasingly|beautifull?y|enviably|generously|very|extremely|conveniently|wonderfull?y|true?ly)”</input>

There are still a few things to iron out, and I can’t keep up with their spelling mistakes so will have to concede defeat there. But it crunches down the text by as much as a third and makes a grim task a bit more palatable.

It’s the Goodyear Blimp!

It actually is the Goodyear blimp. And it’s headed for the Beckers in Hackney.

Shit phew, just missed.

Big news

I’ve found it… my Wacom pen is back. To prove it I have used it to draw this:

Actually I drew that with a mouse too.

Sorry about your wheels, mate!

In this episode of The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers, they get lost in the forest and find a lovely little house with three steaming bowls of porridge on the table…

Trivia: Daddy Bear (who I voiced) was inspired by deceased cockney comedian Mike Reid and had a much lower, thicker accent. He originally said “We just needed an ‘oliday” but this was considered confusing for a non-UK audience. He also originally said “Ow, me bonce!” when he hit his head on the bus roof, but this was changed because the studio in Canada thought he was saying “Ow, me balls!”

Flatiron #10

A better version here on Google Streetview

http://maps.google.co.uk/maps?oe=utf-8&client=firefox-a&q=powerscroft+road&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=Powerscroft+Rd,+London+E5+0PP,+United+Kingdom&gl=uk&ll=51.554588,-0.048649&spn=0.009793,0.019698&t=m&z=14&layer=c&cbll=51.556792,-0.046576&panoid=_re-P6A5FJGq_Vd0vPYFWw&cbp=12,177.25,,0,-8.14&source=embed&output=svembed
View Larger Map

Where is my Wacom pen?

I can’t find it anywhere… since moving into our flat, for reasons I won’t disgust bore you with, my girlfriend and I have had to completely pack and unpack three times. I’m just realising stuff that’s been lost in the upheaval…

Guess I’ll have to draw with a mouse from now on.

Flatirons #8 and #9

In the throbbing heart of London’s West End, Rapunzel sits in a lonely tower above an opticians. The young suitors approach the castle but are too short-sighted to see her. And when they leave, they take one look at her and all they see is the logistical nightmare of going out with a girl who has to push her hair around in a wheelbarrow.

Oh yeah, and here’s a pub in Hackney.

Biccies

I made these biscuits for my girlfriend (and me) for Valentines. They’re organic, and made from spelt, which Wikipedia tells me is a hexaploid relative of wheat. Lovely.

Salt and pepper optional.

Mark’s Diary: June 6th

Following the progress of Mark’s heroic journey into the Amazon jungle…

121020101077

“Great Excitement! I have discovered the bones of another explorer and I do believe he was French! The fool!…”

I found these notes the other day as I was packing up to move house. I went to university with Mark Huckerby, and we used to pin silly notes to each other’s doors when we should have been writing essays. It’s probably the reason we started writing comedy together. Nick Ostler decided to get in on the action too when he noticed how much uproarious fun we were having, sitting alone in our separate rooms, scribbling and sniggering to ourselves.

We were at university when email was still a new thing. The only internet-enabled machines were in the university library and our main use for it was, again, to scribble stupid notes to each other and cast ourselves as the heroes in epic dramas. I sometimes wonder whether the advent of the internet would have given our writing a boost or completely scuppered our chances…

Mark’s Diary: June 1st, 1867

121020101074

I found this note the other day, tucked away in an old box with some souvenirs. The corners of the page were greatly yellowed and it looked like someone had burnt the edges so I knew it must be really old.

” The journal of Mark’s exploration of the Inca Amazon jungle with his trusty companion and pack-lugger Dan…

June 1st 1867

The heat is oppresive (sic) and indecent sweat coats my private parts, however the trip proceeds well with Dan’s pungent stench reminding me of the barbarous working class I plan to annihilate on my return to England…”

Click on the picture to read the full journal entry.

Read more of Mark’s obsession with his private parts and the barbarism of the working class soon!

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