I am the frog

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If you were attentive at about 9.40 on Christmas morning and were watching BBC1 you might have spotted my brief amphibious debut as Mr Jeremy Fisher in Peter Rabbit’s Christmas Tale. If you have small children or are an ardent Dan Chambers fan you still have 6 days left to catch it on iPlayer.

My auto correct has a hard time allowing me to capitalise the “p” in iPlayer. It also insists that it’s name is auto correct rather than autocorrect. And the native WordPress app for Android is horrible.

Bad words and Good words

I have cultivated a hatred of the following words just from seeing them used in so much bad writing:

Nary
Atop
Penned
Anon
Moi (unless the writer’s French, obviously)

Whereas these words:

crepuscular
adumbrate
pulchritude

make me stamp my shiny feet in ecstasy

Six Months Dry Day

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I gave up drinking 6 months ago. Well, to be more exact, I gave up binge drinking 6 months ago. Since then I’ve had probably eight or nine drinks, but never more than one in a night. My girlfriend announced she was going to cut it out, and I thought I’d give some moral support – I was a little curious too about how much of a challenge it would be. Also no binges means no hangovers – the last time I got drunk (just over a year ago) the hangover was a truly horrible experience, partly because it included both a high-pressure meeting and a transatlantic flight.

Here are a list of things I have learned in the last six months…

1. There are very few actual non-alcoholic drinks in pubs. Unless you’re lucky enough to get proper lime in your lime-and-soda, every drink involves obscene amounts of sugar and/or caffeine. If you’re matching people round-for-round, after about three lemonades your teeth are stumps and you’re so hopped up on sugar you can see the future.

2. Unless you’re going out to eat or to the cinema or theatre, there’s actually very little to do in town apart from wander around. Thankfully I love wandering around.

3. People will (when they get past the sheer disbelief) always ask you the same question when you tell them you’ve stopped drinking. “Do you feel better for it?” – and when you tell them no, not really, although you’ve lost a bit of weight and probably gained a lot of wasted hangover-time back, they will feel slightly disappointed but secretly delighted.

onedotzero

My short film, Tube Mice, is on the onedotzero select DVD number 3, available at the onedotzero online shop. You can snap up all five DVDs for a mere £50.

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The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers on DVD!

Finally, all 78 episodes of our smash-hit BAFTA-winning children’s series The Amazing Adrenalini Brothers is available on DVD on 9th April…. preorder now!

As you can see, The Word Magazine called it one of the best cartoons in kids TV history… so you know you’re in for a rip-roaring thrill-packed fun-o-matic seat-of-the-pants electric brainstem datablast!

Leprechauns of Mischief!

The latest Adrenalini video from the second series is “Leprechauns of Mischief!” in which we try to explode some of the Irish stereotypes about little people, peat bogs, and riverdance. Right on!

GUARANTEED LAUGH

I have found out that using three or more synonyms for the word “Nothing” is a SURE-FIRE formula for LAUGHS APLENTY. The more synonyms you can find and put in, the bigger the laugh.

For example

“Nothing, nada, nil!”.

But wait…
“Nothing, zip, zilch, zero, nada, bupkis!!!”

But before you go putting this SURE-FIRE DEAD-CERT GUARANTEED HOWLER into your comedic scripts be aware that I have registered copyright on this phrase and if you don’t pay me to use it I will SUE YOU.

Raised Manholes

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There’s something sinister about this photo, but I can’t work out what it is. It seems to herald a confluence of painful events, what with the manholes, and the coffee, and the car bumper, and the weird dark thing floating above the girl’s head.

For I will consider my cat Jeoffry

Thanks to Frank Key of the always interesting Hooting Yard for originally drawing my attention to the Jubilate Agno, the sprawling and epic poem by Christopher Smart, and largely written while he was in a madhouse. It contains a homage to his cat Jeoffry and contains the lines “For he can spraggle upon waggle at the word of command”. You can hear Frank Key and Germander Speedwell reading the entire poem in this podcast.

The image above, incidentally, is by Louis Wain, and it is often claimed that his series of cat paintings are testament to the increasing disorder of his mind, a view which is contested by, among others, his biographer Rodney Dale.  It has been said that Wain painted conventional cat pictures long after he had disappeared irretrievably into his loonball psychedelic cat freakout, and that rather than schizophrenia, he had Asperger’s Syndrome.

You can get a covert thrill of anarchy in polite conversation by pronouncing the word “Asperger’s” as “ass-burgers”.

We Were Puny; They Were Vapid

We Were Puny, They Were Vapid by Frank Key

We Were Puny, They Were Vapid by Frank Key

The brand-new pamphlet from Frank Key, of Hooting Yard on Resonance FM, is out at Lulu.com. I’m delighted to say that I provided some of the illustrations for the story The Book of Gnats.

The blurb from the book reads thus:

“Read separately, each story makes a perfect bedtime story for the lumbering neurasthenic orphan hidden in your attic Taken together, the tales shed an eerie half-light on that realm where gnats and phlogiston and fences collide.”

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